set back. « life as best as i remember it…

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set back.

Posted on 28 March, 2008 by danscott77

I’ve been silent for the past week. I haven’t known what to say or how to say it. But basically in my battle with depression, I had a set back.

I knew by early last week that there was something wrong though I couldn’t for the life of me figure it out. Last Thursday night I was desperately trying my hardest to pull out but to no avail. I sank deeper and deeper into a full blown panic attack. And not until yesterday did I begin to actually feel myself again.

What’s so hard about this time around is that I was actually starting to feel good. It had been almost a year since the last time I took the panic medications. I hadn’t had a full attack since 2005! Everything came rushing back: the worry, the fatigue, the apathy, the heart palpitations, the leg cramps, the head aches, the depression. I had to adjust to panic medication again which, let me tell you, is LOADS OF FUN. I had just written about how I’ve been feeling so good lately with just an off-day here and there. Last Friday, I felt that everything I’d worked for to get better was completely shot, which in many ways made it worse.

There is no logic as to why this happens. They come as unexpectedly as they go. They are hell on me and my family, especially for my wife who prayed hard and kept me from hopping in the car and rushing off to the ER in fear that I was having a heart attack or a blood clot was traveling to my brain.

(Don’t laugh it’s happened before.)

That’s the insanity of panic disorder. My mind knows better. My body doesn’t care.

Thankfully this time around we know what to expect. I know what to look for as far as treatment is concerned. I have some options, and I am weighing them very carefully as each has pros and cons. I know that we can beat this again; we’ve beaten it before. And that gives me some hope, I guess.

Filed under: depression, life | Tagged: anxiety, anxiety attack, depression, fear, panic, panic attack, set back

6 Responses

Kristi, on March 28th, 2008 at 5:38 pm Said:

Thanks for being able to share your life so openly. If there is anything we can do to help you please know that we are your friends and we care about you. At the very least, we will pray!

Reply
benjamin67, on March 28th, 2008 at 6:13 pm Said:

It truly is a battle. It is never fun being in the middle of a battle between your body and mind. My prayers are with you as well.

I do not know if writing about it helps you, but it helps me. Reading you blog reminds me that I am not alone.

Reply
Ryan, on April 3rd, 2008 at 7:07 am Said:

Love that you share this so openly and have the presence of mind to see the trees through the forest. Such transparent conversation around life’s battles are terribly beneficial for all of us.

Reply
boonisland, on April 3rd, 2008 at 8:06 am Said:

I appreciate you sharing this Dan. I sometimes wonder about the mind-body connections that don’t seem to work quite right. My mind often knows everything is okay but my body doesn’t. I’ve been dealing with similar issues since Christmas. Thanks for letting us in on your struggles.

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last year v. this year « life as best as i remember it…, on August 1st, 2008 at 7:05 pm Said:

[...] considerable growth for Jenna and me. We’ve gotten our finances in order (FINALLY!), had some setbacks but have seen tremendous healing, and are (for the most part) writing our story together on the [...]

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Last year vs. This year « life.after.baby, on August 3rd, 2008 at 1:27 am Said:

[...] of considerable growth for Jenna and me. We’ve gotten our finances in order (FINALLY!), had some setbacks but have seen tremendous healing, and are (for the most part) writing our story together on the [...]

Reply